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Over the last year I have questioned my faith, my beliefs, and doubted God and his Word to the point that I was ready to walk away. I had always hoped, in the face of great trouble and loss, I would be the Christian who continued on in unwavering grace and strength, my faith unscathedContinue reading “One Year”

Most of the time I feel like I’m pretending; pretending it didn’t happen; pretending you are just visiting our dad out of state, as you often did; pretending I just haven’t heard from you in a while; pretending we can make more memories together.Sometimes it’s to maintain composure because “life” doesn’t slow down or stopContinue reading “Pretending”

Sometimes it doesn’t feel real that you’re gone. Sometimes I know it just can’t be. But it was real when I called the pharmacy to cancel all of your prescriptions. It was real when we poured them all into a ziploc bag for me to take to the police post. It was real when IContinue reading “It Is Real”

They don’t tell you how cold it feels when they say, “this concludes the services.” How empty you are left feeling as you walk away from the grave plot, grasping the stem of a flower from the casket spray. Is that all? Now what?

There’s a song I know with a lyric that says “I’ve never gotten used to it, I’ve just learned to turn it off” and I can’t think of anything that describes my grief more accurately.

Some days I let myself feel it all. All the sadness and pain and devastation of losing you. It is always there beneath the surface, and sometimes it is triggered by a memory or a word or a photo or a song or a poem. And in those moments I feel as though I willContinue reading “Some Days”

Standing in this funeral home, I understand now what I did not know before. The crowd filtering in is a sea of blurred faces. Well-meaning people attempting to provide comfort, with words that fall flat and leave them feeling inconsolable. I know that when the family first arrived here today and saw their loved oneContinue reading “To Touch Death”

Death, to all those who witness it’s intrusion, is a discomfort. You can see it in the tapping of the foot, the unconscious bouncing of the leg, the wringing of the hands, the helpless staring at Its victim. No one knows what to do with it, so they just sit, watch, listen to it’s ragged,Continue reading “Intrusion”